I got the message from as far back as I can remember that my life wasn’t worth anything more than the money my parents got from the State. I felt I was kept alive just so they would get money for me. The pets were given more food than I, and the little attention I received left me looking towards others. I was kept isolated from the world, and used as a whipping post whenever something went wrong in someone’s world. I hated life and saw no point to it; yet I loved my family and would do anything for them.

When I learned what suicide was, I dreamed of the day when I would have the strength to take my own life. But when that day came, I was too afraid of the pain, and too afraid that no one would take care of my family if I didn’t, as I did the majority of the cooking, cleaning, and chores. I was only eight years old, and was the person responsible for the household, except for paying the bills and shopping. I didn’t know if my family would survive if I was not around.

My own life meant little to me. I was a slave and something to be beaten. I didn’t deserve life, and had to be thankful for the scraps I received. When I learned of God, I prayed nightly that He would take care of my family and let me die. But everyday I saw the sun rise, and continued another day of slavery. I soon learned that as long as I made everyone happy, I was beat less. But every-now-and-then, the belt would fly despite my good behavior. I asked one day why I was beaten so often, and my brothers weren’t touched for doing the same things.

I was told that it was because I was a girl. A girl could not learn unless the lesson was beaten into her. I suddenly hated being a girl. I began to act like a boy and wear boy’s clothing, spend time with the boys at school, and avoid anything that girls did. I was determined to be a boy.

No matter how hard I tried, I was still beaten. No matter what I did, I still looked like a girl. The older I got the more I began to resent my family. I literally hated my brothers, because I saw them getting gifts, and easy chores, where I was given nothing, and had to work hard daily. When my sister was born, then died shortly after birth, I said she was the lucky one because she had died. I also was thankful that she wouldn’t have to grow up like me.

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