The Day I Decided To Live, Part 3
About a year and a half ago I started to become ill again, too ill. All the tests performed by specialists would only show that my internal organs were failing. I could no longer digest food, except very rarely. I could eat only one small meal daily, which usually consisted of a jar or two of baby food. I was in severe pain all the time, especially when I ate. The tests revealed that I would die within three months, probably sooner because there was nothing anyone could do, because no one could find the cause. I was actually happy. It was about time! All my life I had wanted to die. No more pain. No more sadness. No more being used by others.
I told few people, and felt everyone’s life would be so much better without me around to bother them. But I became very sad. People began telling me that they needed me, and to think about what their lives will be like without them. Then I became angry. I told everyone that I needed to live for me, for I knew that I would live if I wanted to, no matter what any doctor said.
The reasons I wanted to die far out-weighed the reasons I wanted to live. Then I realized that I didn’t have to be sad for the rest of my life, or to be in pain for the rest of my life. I realized that I had control over how my life was going to turn out because I was strong, and stubborn. I knew that I would never let myself be sad or in pain forever. I knew that I controlled who I was going to become, and the way I was going to live. I began to look to myself for the answers, and to tell myself what I needed to hear. All my life I had looked to others for the answers, and to supply me with what I needed to hear. It was now time for me to take care of only me. With less than one month of estimated time to live, I decided to fight, and to win. And if I died, I would die knowing that I won.
I found myself in the care of a special person, a medical doctor, who ran many tests, and found the source of my troubles-my female hormonal system. Because my hormones were so out of balance, my adrenal glands were near failure, which in turn caused problems throughout my body. From ovulation to the beginning of my period, my body was in such an extreme case of stress that it was as if I was being severely frightened. The symptoms were: inability to eat because the digestive system was shut down; inability to sleep because the adrenal glands were dumping adrenaline into the bloodstream at all hours of the day.
It has been approximately six months since I decided to live. It has been a tough battle. I was asked if I felt I still wanted to live. I do remember when I was looking forward to having the pain end, but I still remind myself often that I will find an end to the pain someday. I am frustrated with standard medical doctors though, but I know that the day will come when I will not need a medical doctor’s care further. I still want to live though, and am determined to do so. My life has changed dramatically over the past six months. I still have great fear of being hurt by people, but soon I will learn to trust, and more healing will occur. I can eat more frequently, and more foods, and am now within the normal weight range for my height and age. I am healing-emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
There are thousands of people today that do not want to live. I hope each of these people find it in themselves to live, and to heal that wound that sucks their life away. And there are also thousands of people that live a life that they do not want, either because they do not love themselves, or because they are living the life someone else wants them to live. I hope these people learn to live the life they want, and to find the answers within themselves. The answers to all our questions, and all our needs are found within ourselves. We are all gifted with intuition and the ability to heal whatever comes our way. Open your heart, listen to your inner wisdom, and heal yourselves. You too can decide to live the life you want. Take that first step today.